- Cut up hot dogs before serving to young children
- CAUTION: Do not cut hot dog into shape of knife, gun or razor blade
- To prevent choking on grapes, mash into a paste
- Use separate sets of salad tongs for kitchen and bathroom
- Remember: if item cannot pass easily through a cardboard tube, it may be a choking hazard.
- Cardboard tube may also be a choking hazard; check by passing it through another tube.
- Do not allow children under 6 to go bowhunting for wild turkey.
- Hint: All food products which include the word "Fiesta" carry salmonella.
- Order hamburgers and steaks well done, or better yet, kill yourself.
- Fumigate bacteria by stuffing whole turkey with cigarettes
- Reduce pesticides by thoroughly washing and conditioning produce with Paul Mitchell products; avoid blow-drying as heat can damage the cuticle.
- If you see your dog licking the Christmas ham, for God's sake, don't tell anyone. You'll ruin Christmas.
- Packaged lettuce can carry E. coli, due to the proximity of cattle to the fields. Also, you really don't want to know what sheep do to broccoli when we're not looking.
- Using a digital thermometer will ensure thorough cooking, and make you look like a compulsive douche.
- Don't let your dad hear you worry about the risks of foodborne illness from rare meat, as he may choke from laughing so hard at what is the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard and he's married to your mother.
Protector of Children
Slayer of Mighty Centipede
Slayer of Mighty Centipede
Photoshop actually has a decent ability to mimic the look of rough oil paint. Unfortunately it completely lacks even passable watercolor simulation. Luckily for the digital art universe, Artrage 3 is being released Monday.
